Where you point the finger of blame is where you will be convinced that the most help is needed.

I was irritated with my wife. I should have responded to her in a way that was patient and kind, but in my irritation, I said things to her that I should have never said. I was negative, picky, and self-righteous, and then I was silent. She was surprised and hurt. She was driving. I didn’t look at her. The car was filled with a horribly uncomfortable silence. It was as if the oxygen had been sucked out of the air. I was silent, but my mind wasn’t. In my mind a big finger of blame pointed right at her. “The whole thing is her fault,” I told myself. “If she hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have gotten angry,” I reasoned. “I’ve talked to her about this before, but she never listens. Maybe she heard me this time. Maybe after this talk, things will be different. She needs to say something; she needs to say she’s sorry.”

You’ve been in similar situations. So let’s unpack it together. Because what I did was wrong, my conscience bothered me. When your conscience bothers you, there are only two ways to ease it. You can point the finger of blame at yourself, confess your sin, rest in the forgiving grace of Jesus, cry out for his empowering help, and then seek the forgiveness of the person you sinned against. Having done this, you walk away with both a conscience that is clear and a reconciled relationship. Or you can point the finger of blame at the other person, denying your own responsibility and convincing yourself that he not only wronged you but that he is the cause of any wrong that you did. As you do this, your sense of offense grows, and because it does, your anger grows, as does your belief that this person simply needs to change. You are not at ease, you are riled up, and your relationship with the other person remains unreconciled.

Where you point the finger of blame will always inform you where change needs to take place. Someone once said that you never see a person in a protest carrying a sign with an arrow pointing downward and with the words “I am the problem” painted on it. One of the most significant aspects of the deceitfulness of sin is our ability to swindle ourselves into thinking that we are seldom at fault. And because we are good at convincing ourselves that we are not at fault, we also become skilled at causing ourselves to feel good about thoughts, desires, words, and actions that God says are not good. One of the ways that we tend to trouble our own trouble is our ability to convince ourselves that our sin is not so sinful after all. When you convince yourself that your sin is not so sinful after all, you also convince yourself that you don’t need God’s amazing, rescuing, forgiving, and transforming grace. Anyone who argues against his own need of grace is in grave spiritual danger.

Listen to what John says: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1 John 1:8–10). These are strong words, but we all need to hear and consider them. It is humbling to say what I am about to say, but I know it is true. No one has lied to me more often than I have. No one has twisted events for his advantage more than I have for myself. No one has worked harder to make me feel good about what is not good than I have. Sadly, I have often participated in my own deceit. When I do this, I feel righteous in situations where what I did was not righteous, and because I feel right, I don’t seek God’s forgiveness or his help. John is addressing a spiritual dynamic that operates at times in us all.

When you do what is wrong, you either look for someone to blame or you admit blame and run in humility and grief to your Redeemer. We are tempted to believe that our greatest problems in life exist outside of us. It’s our husband or wife, it’s that nasty neighbor, it’s our children, it’s our boss or coworkers, it’s the way women dress, it’s this materialistic culture, it’s our church, and, if you have nothing else to blame, it’s the dog! This not only keeps you from seeking the grace and getting the help you need, but it argues against what God says is true about you. It places you in a spiritually debilitating standoff with your Redeemer. Either he is a liar, or you are. Self-deception never goes anywhere good; it never produces good fruit in your life or in your relationship with God or others. Humble, honest, specific, heart-felt confession is the doorway to peace within yourself, peace with God, peace with your neighbor, and a life of ongoing growth and fruitfulness.

Where do you tend to point the finger of blame? The gospel forces you to admit that your biggest problems in life exist inside you and not outside you, and because this is true, you need more than situational, relational, or location change.

Lent is all about pointing the finger in the right direction. It is about humble self-examination, honest confession, and grief over sin that causes you to seek and celebrate the grace Jesus was willing to suffer and die for. Because this is a season of mournful personal confession, it can also be for you a season of spiritual renewal and rejoicing. Renewal happens because confession causes you to see things as they really are, and in doing so, to begin to confess and address things that have long needed to be confessed and addressed. The more you see your sin, the more you will respond tenderly to other sinners and want for them the same grace you have received. And as you taste new life, you will begin to celebrate, in fresh new ways, the grace that is yours in Christ Jesus.

Reflection Questions

1. Think back to the last disagreement you had with someone close to you. Where did you point the finger of blame? When you were able to calm down and assess the situation rightly, were you able to identify any part you played in the conflict?
   

2. How have you seen the truth that “no one has lied to me more often than I have” play out in your life in the past week? What kinds of things have you justified, and what does that tell you about patterns of temptation and sin in your life?
   

3. In the coming days, how might you engage in personal confession in a way that brings about spiritual renewal?

Read 1 John 1:5–2:6, and spend some time in honest self-assessment, confession, and repentance.”